Friday, November 9, 2012

World War Z.

I'm going in with low expectations. 
Brad Pitt fighting zombies and a couple nods to the book.
Zombie effect, bad premise.

Turkish Delight

I got into a fight with my wife today, nothing new, we have fought a lot in the time that we have been together.
4 years. That's the answer to your first question. We've been together 4 years and have been married 2 of those years...going on 3.
Now to answer your second question. We were fighting about money. Which is the same thing we always fight about. We're both pretty bad with it, plus with the economy being in he tank for the last 4 years, money has been REALLY tight the entirety of our relationship.
This brings me to the big monologue. My chance to explain to someone, anyone...why.
I don't have any confidence in myself. My confidence used to come from making others laugh...but I have lost the ability to make anyone smile, including myself. I mean I have my moments, but they are far and few between any more. I am a creative person, I know this and can not deny it, but I can't seem to be able to get others to recognize it. At least not to the point that makes me feel successful. Let me go through my list of abilities and what success I've had.

Actor. My credits end my junior year of high school, other than a few radio commercial in Kansas...that never aired. OH! I did get to stand behind Jonah Ray in a Nerdterns episode.
Writer. Your looking at it...not pretty. I'm functionally illiterate. So ANY writing job is out of the question. But I am very creative and have a ton of ideas.
Artist. I have sold one painting in my life. It was NOT an original piece. The high point of my artistic career peaked my senior year. I got a 500.00 dollar scholarship to a Community College. My only saving grace is, unlike Van Gogh I CAN give my paintings away...which is what I usually do.
Musician. I can sing. I worked as a karaoke entertainer for a couple years. I can play a little guitar and I taught myself the 1st 2 bars of Mozart's Rondo alla Turkish one summer, by ear, when I was 12...but that was all I ever learned to play on the piano.
Martial Arts. I took Taekwondo for 6 months when I was 15. I fought in one tournament and broke my arm in my 1st fight, but I daniel larusso'd that shit and earned myself a Gold medal in Forms and a Silver in Fighting. By the way. This is one of the manliest moments I ever had in my life. You see, I didn't know my arm was broken. I fought through 2 more fights with a broken arm, then went home and my dad made me mow the lawn...with a push mower. We had gone to the Emergency room, but the doctor there misread the x-rays and didn't see anything, this was Saturday. They called back Monday to say they were wrong. I showed up to my dojo with a cast on Wednesday, went through the entire lesson and at the the end my teacher called me in front of the class.
He pointed at me and said' "This is what determination looks like." 
It was one of my proudest moments. It was also the last class I attended. My parents pulled me out because they couldn't afford the medical bills. Later on in my 20's I trained with a private teacher. I didn't earn any belts but I did break a lot of bricks.
I must add that, other than the Martial Arts, I have never taken a class for any of this.

Now let's move on to the skills that pay the bills.
I served 11 year in the Air Force, and what do I have to show for it? I've been trained as a Carpenter, Mason, Welder, Sheet Metal Worker, Electrician, plus Aircraft Avionics and Fuel systems. I've traveled all over the world, mainly the sandbox (Iraq), but I have still seen more of the world then some, and in the proverbial words of Winston Zeddemore, "I have seen shit that would turn you white!"
So why can I not get a job in one of those fields? I can. I just don't want to. Mainly because I feel happy when I'm creating. But secondly because ALL of those jobs are going to require me to start at a entry level and that would mean my 11 years of service and experience would be for nothing...and frankly I already feel that way.

So to recap; My wife and I were fighting because I have no confidence and I don't know where I belong in this world.
I've busted my knuckles and it makes me money, but I have no time to it makes me unhappy.
On the other hand, I've been trying at the creative side for 10 years, and it has left me broke...but I'm happy when I'm creating.
So both leave me a mix of miserable and happy.
Bittersweet...this is life, yeah?