Monday, October 7, 2013

Love's Labour's Lost.

Being away from the ones you love either through your own actions, or lack therefore of, hurts & the uncertainty of time before you're with them again burns like a hot coal in the gut. 

I've spent a good portion of my life being alone. 13 years to be exact. Between my military service & my constant need to see new places it never really occurred to me how that loneliness affected me. 
Until I met *"The woman."

In 2008 I met *"the woman." She was smart, fun, cute, geeky, & intent on being with me. Everything a geek guy could want. Admittedly, I was resistant to her charms at first. After spending 13 years alone, & the last 2 of those living monastically, I had grown accustomed to the joys & pains of a life alone. Now when I say alone I don't mean "single." I mean alone. For the last 2 years leading up to our meeting the only human contact I had was either at work or the gym. The rest of my time was spent in my own company. 
She was a breath of fresh air to a life that had grown stagnant & routine. Over the next 5 months I found myself enjoying every moment we had together & trusting her more then I had ever trusted any woman before. 
Then I lost my job. 

I had worked for these people for 3 years, & they had helped me through an earlier rough patch, so I respected & trusted them. I even saw them as family. Needless to say, when I was let go I felt betrayed. This had a tremendous affect on me & my relationships. 
I no longer felt I could trust any future employer, let alone anyone else. Then depression set in. A vail of bitterness, negativity, & scorn began to form over my eyes. It tainted every good day with its poison. Yet our union pressed on fueled by her belief that I would get better & she would once again have the man she fell in love with. We married & had a beautiful daughter but, the entire time she was moving forward, I was dragging her back. Plus, as if to add insult to injury, I was living with undiagnosed & untreated PTSD. Which made my depression worse & fanned the flames of my substance abuse. 
She constantly pleaded with me to seek help, but I refused. Convinced that the problem lay not with myself but with everyone around me. 
Eventually it became such a strain on her, & our union, that we fought about every little thing. No longer did we have the loving banter that once existed. It was now replaced by biting words hiding bitter resentment. I couldn't see what I was doing to her, or myself, because I had grown so enamoured with playing the victim. 

So now here I sit in my parents basement, 13 years after leaving home, writing this. Not wondering where I went wrong, but, how can I make this right?

I guess if I could ask you to take away one thing from my story it would be this; let go of the past. The people who truly love you WILL always love you. But if you make them choose between loving you over loving themselves, you will always lose. 
As it should be. 
Learn to accept lifes tribulations as lessons on how to be a better person. Not examples of how life is so unfair. 

Lastly, if I could go back & tell myself one thing it would be this;
Things are going to get better, if you choose to make them so. Life isn't about the impact others have on you but the impact you have on others.
Don't be afraid of the future. As you once told "the woman", love like you've never been hurt before. 
Most importantly. Love yourself. You are a magnificent person who deserves all the happiness life has to offer. Except it & pay it forward. 

*The woman is a reference to Irene Adler from the Sherlock Holmes books. I use this only to describe my feelings for her. 

"To Sherlock Holmes she is always the woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes she eclipses & predominates the whole of her sex."

Monday, July 8, 2013

Happy Birthday Flying Saucers!

Today is the 66th anniversary of the reporting of the Roswell Incident and I would like to throw my 2 cents out there on the subject. While in the Air Force I had the unique opportunity of visiting the alleged crash site and the pleasure of visiting the Roswell museum commemorating the event. I am and will always be a believer in extraterrestrial life, I just don't believe everything I hear.

I first heard about the Roswell incident when I was 8. My parents had a set of Time/Life books that collected stories of the unknown and unexplained, so of course me being the nerd I was/am, I read the entire collection probably 100 times until I memorized every story and fact. It was science fiction that actually happened, so it laid on that thin line between fiction and reality for me.
Years went by and I continued to absorb any information I could find on the Roswell incident, flying saucers, and alien abductions. Unfortunately all that research paid off and it managed to convince me that what happened in Roswell WAS in fact just as the RAAF and FBI said it was...a downed weather balloon. But I always hold a glimmer of hope that it wasn't.

You see what most people don't realize is that the nation was in the grips of "flying saucer" mania at the time. The word and concept had just been introduced to the American lexicon 12 days earlier by Kenneth Arnold and the press. Despite the events in Los Angeles on February 25th 1942, no one had ever uttered the word "flying saucer", at the time of the "Battle of Los Angeles" no one was worried about aliens, they had the Germans and Japanese to worry about.
Bear with me as I try to hash out the series of events that led up to Roswell.

First are the events of February 25th 1942 or the "Battle of Los Angeles":

As we all know from our history books; America had just joined World War II 3 months earlier. So tension in America was high, imagine how you felt after 9/11 now crank it up to 11. People were on edge and rightfully so. But what most don't realize today is that this was never labeled as an "alien incursion" until some years later, after the events of Roswell. The press, at the time, tried its best to create panic and a new enemy but people had REAL worries on their minds.
Now it is interesting to add that during WWII many allied pilots reported seeing balls of light that seemed to follow and toy with the pilots. The french pilots later began calling these "Foo Fighters"...yes that is where Dave Grohl got the name for his band.
Whether they actually saw something or it was just their nerves we will never know for sure. But even today most UFO sightings are reported during war time or around military bases.

Secondly we have the events of June 24th 1947 and the story of Kenneth Arnold:

Kenneth Arnold was a well respected private pilot and the father of the term "flying saucer"; due to his description of what he saw and the medias non stop use of it. It is also important to point out that the events took place just 12 days before the Roswell incident and after the story hit the press hundreds of stories from around the world began to come out. A few even corroborated Arnolds own experience. But what is really odd about the whole thing is that Arnold was involved with another UFO sighting 3 days prior, not as a witness but an investigator, which was referred to as the Maury Island incident.

Whether it was mass hallucination, or a secret military aircraft hundreds of reports came from in coast to coast with it peaking on July 7th 1947; when a New Mexico farmer reported something otherworldly crashing on his farm.
For nearly 2 weeks during the summer of 1947 the world was gripped with anxiety over flying saucers, hundreds of reliable eye witness reports and photos show that something weird was going on in the skies of Earth and continues to this day.
So until we know for sure; keep an open mind and your eyes to the sky because you never know what might be waiting for you.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Sometimes I hate being right..but not this time.

I've been telling my wife, ever since we watched the season closer, that John Hurt is an older version of the 8th Doctor...& it appears I was right.
During the royal visit, costume designer Howard Burden, seems to of confirmed it for me.

"There was a gap between Paul McGann playing the Doctor and Christopher Eccleston, when we didn’t see a regeneration, and John Hurt will fit into that gap. He is a past Doctor, not a future Doctor."

The Telegraph 

So John Hurt is the 8th Doctor after the Time War but before he regenerated into the 9th. Which makes more sense to me than any of the other theories out there, especially if you're like me and believe that the Doctor has been showing the signs of PTSD, after the Time War the 8th probably gave up being the Doctor and on life in general.
But that's just my theory. What do you think?

Friday, July 5, 2013


I was down at my local Rhino Records the other day and found these sweet gems in the $1 vinyl bin. I've wanted Kansas: Point of No Return for awhile and I was lucky enough to get the Ghostbusters for my GB collection. Although I do like the sound of vinyl, I don't own a record player, I've just always liked the album art for Point of No Return and plan on having them framed.
Now if I can just find Hotel California I would be happy...for the time being.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

It's Groundhog Day!

So as I mentioned in my earlier post, the universe has really been sending me signs & trying to get my attention lately. But still in the back of my mind they were just a series of random occurrences.
Until now.
Without thinking about it I planned my return to Los Angeles on Groundhog Day. You see, the universe knows how I am about my movies. I speak in quotes & have learned my most valuable lessons from movies.
It didn't occur to me until I got home, & seeing as it fit the occasion, I decided to watch "Groundhog Day" & that's when it hit me like a bus...I finally pulled a Phil. I broke the cycle.
Just like in the movie; I had to learn from my mistakes, instead of feeling sorry for myself & taking that out on those around me. I had to learn that caring about others more than myself is all the reward I should ever need. Because every bit of love is returned ten fold. Everyday I continue to breathe & be surrounded by those that love me is a gift. I must not squander it on useless things like greed & ego.
Thanks again universe.

Phil: When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Cosmic letter

Dear Universe,

I'd just like to start off by saying I'm sorry we haven't talked in awhile & when we did it was mainly me cussing you. I'm really sorry about that.
Now then, what I really want to say to you is thank you. Thanks for my wife & 2 beautiful daughters. Thanks for giving me a loving family that has stood beside me even when I didn't want them there. I've heard your voice in my ear the entire time I was in Wichita. I got your message. Be it from the amount of friends & family who showed up to show their love & support for me, or the movies that you kept replaying because you know that's how I communicate.
We both know I'm far from healed, but I'm feeling close to where I want to be...& that feels pretty awesome.
Now comes the rub.
Please watch over my family & friends in Kansas. As you know all 3 of my remaining grandparents are reaching the point of supernova & I just want them to be loved & surrounded by those that love them when it happens.
Take care of my parents. Their both lovely people who deserve better. I know they would never ask for more, but that's not going to stop me from asking. Please just watch over them & protect them.
Finally. My brother Christian. He may have been a total bastard growing up but he has changed & deserves better than what you're putting him through now. Help him maintain his strength & please reunite him with his babies. You know that's all he wants.
All I can ask for is that you give me the wisdom, strength, & humor to win over my wife. I want to sweep her off her feet again & show her I can be the man she deserves.
I hope this finds you well & the black holes aren't giving you to many problems. Awesome job on earth! I am really digging the hell out of it! I'll talk to you later. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Your friend,

I know it's probably out of your hands...but do you think you could do something for Pluto? I know he's been feeling blue since they declassified him as a planet.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dealing with PTSD.

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. It's not that I wasn't tired. It was more the fact that every time I closed my eyes I would have nightmares, the same nightmare I've had since 1997, & its the reason I sleep with weapons stashed all over my house.
A man, usually an insurgent, broke into the house & attacked me before I could react. I woke up screaming & angrier than the Hulk in a pair of tight pants.
This is a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...& not the only one. The lack of sleep & nightmares usually lead to anxiety, which leads to anger, which leaves me a frustrated, sobbing mess. I then take all of that out on everyone around me, especially my loved ones. I don't want to, I just can't stop myself. It's like being in a waking dream...or at least it feels like a dream. I see myself doing these things but can not stop myself. When I am finally able to snap back to myself I've made a mess of everything around me.
I've suffered with this, as I stated before, since 1997. But it wasn't until 2007, shortly before I met my wife, that I realized I was suffering from PTSD. Mainly because when I came back in 97 I was "analyzed" by a military psychiatrist who said I was faking it. I wish I could fake this.
You see, I no longer have any fear of going to hell because I've been living in it since 97. I've destroyed relationships, lost good jobs, & developed an alcohol dependency for several years. The absolute worse part of the whole thing though is the constant feeling of being alone...even when your surrounded by those that love you the most.
No offense to anyone reading this, but if you have never served in the military, you will never understand the hell that I have been through. Even other service members don't really get it. Hell it wasn't until a 1 1/2 ago that the military admitted it existed & has began implementing procedures to help those coming back from the operating theatre.
But I can tell you it is real & not something I would wish on my worst enemy. No one should ever have to live their life like this. You can't relax, your always tense, you can't trust people even when you want to. You can't sleep & when you do you have nightmares so intense & real that you have to find something solid to convince yourself it's not happening. You spend every waking minute convinced that something horrible is going to happen & that makes it impossible to find anything positive. Mainly because you have seen the worst the human race has to offer.
I guess the whole point of this is that I have finally began to heal. I finally told my parents, it only took me trying to kill myself on New Years Eve because I didn't want to spend another year living like this. But instead of giving up, my loving wife gave me the strength to fight back. I'm on meds & seeking a therapist that specializes in PTSD.
I might not have got injured, but Shane Coleman died over there. I will never be that 20 year old kid again. I will never get that piece back that was taking from me. But I finally realize that with the help of those around me I can find some kind of close proximity & maybe happiness again.
If you know someone that shows these signs, or even if you see these in yourself, don't put off seeking help. Talk to your loved ones. It's okay to say you need help. It's okay to show your pain to those around you. But it's not going to get better if you ignore it.
Ignoring it & saying you can handle it on your own is not's ignorance & taking your own life instead of facing it might solve your problem, but it will transfer them on to your loved ones. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering if they could have done more.
If you have faith in nothing else, which I sure didn't, at least have faith in those that love you. They will be your strength when you've lost all yours.