Dealing with PTSD.

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. It's not that I wasn't tired. It was more the fact that every time I closed my eyes I would have nightmares, the same nightmare I've had since 1997, & its the reason I sleep with weapons stashed all over my house.
A man, usually an insurgent, broke into the house & attacked me before I could react. I woke up screaming & kicking...plus angrier than the Hulk in a pair of tight pants.
This is a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...& not the only one. The lack of sleep & nightmares usually lead to anxiety, which leads to anger, which leaves me a frustrated, sobbing mess. I then take all of that out on everyone around me, especially my loved ones. I don't want to, I just can't stop myself. It's like being in a waking dream...or at least it feels like a dream. I see myself doing these things but can not stop myself. When I am finally able to snap back to myself I've made a mess of everything around me.
I've suffered with this, as I stated before, since 1997. But it wasn't until 2007, shortly before I met my wife, that I realized I was suffering from PTSD. Mainly because when I came back in 97 I was "analyzed" by a military psychiatrist who said I was faking it. I wish I could fake this.
You see, I no longer have any fear of going to hell because I've been living in it since 97. I've destroyed relationships, lost good jobs, & developed an alcohol dependency for several years. The absolute worse part of the whole thing though is the constant feeling of being alone...even when your surrounded by those that love you the most.
No offense to anyone reading this, but if you have never served in the military, you will never understand the hell that I have been through. Even other service members don't really get it. Hell it wasn't until a 1 1/2 ago that the military admitted it existed & has began implementing procedures to help those coming back from the operating theatre.
But I can tell you it is real & not something I would wish on my worst enemy. No one should ever have to live their life like this. You can't relax, your always tense, you can't trust people even when you want to. You can't sleep & when you do you have nightmares so intense & real that you have to find something solid to convince yourself it's not happening. You spend every waking minute convinced that something horrible is going to happen & that makes it impossible to find anything positive. Mainly because you have seen the worst the human race has to offer.
I guess the whole point of this is that I have finally began to heal. I finally told my parents, it only took me trying to kill myself on New Years Eve because I didn't want to spend another year living like this. But instead of giving up, my loving wife gave me the strength to fight back. I'm on meds & seeking a therapist that specializes in PTSD.
I might not have got injured, but Shane Coleman died over there. I will never be that 20 year old kid again. I will never get that piece back that was taking from me. But I finally realize that with the help of those around me I can find some kind of close proximity & maybe happiness again.
If you know someone that shows these signs, or even if you see these in yourself, don't put off seeking help. Talk to your loved ones. It's okay to say you need help. It's okay to show your pain to those around you. But it's not going to get better if you ignore it.
Ignoring it & saying you can handle it on your own is not strength...it's ignorance & taking your own life instead of facing it might solve your problem, but it will transfer them on to your loved ones. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering if they could have done more.
If you have faith in nothing else, which I sure didn't, at least have faith in those that love you. They will be your strength when you've lost all yours.

World War Z.

I'm going in with low expectations. 

Brad Pitt fighting zombies and a couple nods to the book.

Zombie swarm..cool effect, bad premise.

 

Turkish Delight

I got into a fight with my wife today, nothing new, we have fought a lot in the time that we have been together.
4 years. That's the answer to your first question. We've been together 4 years and have been married 2 of those years...going on 3.
Now to answer your second question. We were fighting about money. Which is the same thing we always fight about. We're both pretty bad with it, plus with the economy being in he tank for the last 4 years, money has been REALLY tight the entirety of our relationship.
This brings me to the big monologue. My chance to explain to someone, anyone...why.
I don't have any confidence in myself. My confidence used to come from making others laugh...but I have lost the ability to make anyone smile, including myself. I mean I have my moments, but they are far and few between any more. I am a creative person, I know this and can not deny it, but I can't seem to be able to get others to recognize it. At least not to the point that makes me feel successful. Let me go through my list of abilities and what success I've had.

Actor. My credits end my junior year of high school, other than a few radio commercial in Kansas...that never aired. OH! I did get to stand behind Jonah Ray in a Nerdterns episode.
Writer. Your looking at it...not pretty. I'm functionally illiterate. So ANY writing job is out of the question. But I am very creative and have a ton of ideas.
Artist. I have sold one painting in my life. It was NOT an original piece. The high point of my artistic career peaked my senior year. I got a 500.00 dollar scholarship to a Community College. My only saving grace is, unlike Van Gogh I CAN give my paintings away...which is what I usually do.
Musician. I can sing. I worked as a karaoke entertainer for a couple years. I can play a little guitar and I taught myself the 1st 2 bars of Mozart's Rondo alla Turkish one summer, by ear, when I was 12...but that was all I ever learned to play on the piano.
Martial Arts. I took Taekwondo for 6 months when I was 15. I fought in one tournament and broke my arm in my 1st fight, but I daniel larusso'd that shit and earned myself a Gold medal in Forms and a Silver in Fighting. By the way. This is one of the manliest moments I ever had in my life. You see, I didn't know my arm was broken. I fought through 2 more fights with a broken arm, then went home and my dad made me mow the lawn...with a push mower. We had gone to the Emergency room, but the doctor there misread the x-rays and didn't see anything, this was Saturday. They called back Monday to say they were wrong. I showed up to my dojo with a cast on Wednesday, went through the entire lesson and at the the end my teacher called me in front of the class.
He pointed at me and said' "This is what determination looks like." 
It was one of my proudest moments. It was also the last class I attended. My parents pulled me out because they couldn't afford the medical bills. Later on in my 20's I trained with a private teacher. I didn't earn any belts but I did break a lot of bricks.
I must add that, other than the Martial Arts, I have never taken a class for any of this.

Now let's move on to the skills that pay the bills.
I served 11 year in the Air Force, and what do I have to show for it? I've been trained as a Carpenter, Mason, Welder, Sheet Metal Worker, Electrician, plus Aircraft Avionics and Fuel systems. I've traveled all over the world, mainly the sandbox (Iraq), but I have still seen more of the world then some, and in the proverbial words of Winston Zeddemore, "I have seen shit that would turn you white!"
So why can I not get a job in one of those fields? I can. I just don't want to. Mainly because I feel happy when I'm creating. But secondly because ALL of those jobs are going to require me to start at a entry level and that would mean my 11 years of service and experience would be for nothing...and frankly I already feel that way.

So to recap; My wife and I were fighting because I have no confidence and I don't know where I belong in this world.
I've busted my knuckles and it makes me money, but I have no time to create...so it makes me unhappy.
On the other hand, I've been trying at the creative side for 10 years, and it has left me broke...but I'm happy when I'm creating.
So both leave me a mix of miserable and happy.
Bittersweet...this is life, yeah? 

Lessons from Sherlock Pt.2

1. Often what is out of the common is usually a guide rather than a hindrance. In solving a problem of this sort, the grand thing is to be able to reason backwards. That is a very useful accomplishment, and a very easy one, but people do not practice it much. In the everyday affairs of life it is more useful to reason forward, and so the other comes to be neglected. Most people, if you describe a train of events to them, will tell you what the results would be. They can put those events together in their minds, and argue from them that something will come to pass. There are few people however, who, if you told them a result, would be able to evolve from their own inner consciousness what the steps were which led up to that result. This power is what I mean when I talk of reasoning backward, or analytically.
2. It is a mistake to confound strangeness with mystery. The most commonplace crime is often the most mysterious, because it presents no new or special features from which deductions may be drawn.
3. The main thing with people when you talk to them in an investigation is to never let them know that their information can be of the slightest importance to you. If you do they will instantly shut up like an oyster. if you listen to them under protest, as it were, you are very likely to get what you want.
4. As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is the less mysterious it proves to be. It is your commonplace, featureless crimes which are really puzzling. Just as a commonplace face is the most difficult to identify.
5. It should be your business to know things. To train yourself to see what others overlook.
6. The most difficult crime to track is one which is purposeless.
7. Crime is common. Logic is rare. Therefore it is upon logic rather than upon crime that you should dwell.
8. It is of the highest importance in the Art of Detection to be able to recognize, out of a number of facts, which are incidental and which vital. Otherwise your energy and attention must be dissipated instead of concentrated.
9. The features given to a man are means by which he shall express his emotions; and you can read a man's train of thought from his features, especially his eyes.
10. Some people without possessing genius have a remarkable power of stimulating it.

The Art of Deduction.

My entire life I have been obsessed with the thought of knowing what people are thinking. Knowing their secrets, the things they don't want any one else to know. This drove me to explore ways of making this happen, mind you I was 8, so my options were pretty limited. 

First I studied Psychic abilities & ways of obtaining it. As you can imagine it lead me no where & required much more work than I really wanted to apply. Then I read my first Sherlock Holmes story. 

He quickly became my mentor. I didn't just read the stories, I studied them. I have even made notes. Tips from the Great Detective himself on how to know people better than they know themselves. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect.

Goodness no...but I can tell you no one in my family likes watching detective shows with me because I solve the crime within 15 minutes. 

5 minutes if I'm having a good day.

I am going to share with you now a few of the notes I have made. In no real specific order, I have 56 so far.

Let us begin...

1. Like all other arts, the Science of Deduction and Analysis is one which can only be acquired by long and patient study, nor is life long enough to allow any mortal to attain the highest possible perfection in it. Before turning to these moral and mental aspects of the matter which present the greatest difficulties, let the inquirer begin by mastering more elementary problems. Let him on meeting a fellow-mortal, learn at a glance to distinguish the history of the man and the trade or profession to which he belongs. Puerile as such an exercise may seem, it sharpens the faculties of observation, and teaches one where to look and what to look for. By a man's fingernails, by the coat sleeve, by the boot, by his trouser knees, by the callosities of his forefinger and thumb, by his expressions, by his shirt cuffs- by each of these things a man's calling is plainly revealed. That all united should fail to enlighten the competent inquirer in any case is almost inconceivable.
2. You should consider your brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilled workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain attic. He will have nothing but the tool which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that a little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. It is of the highest importance not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.
3.  An observant man can learn by an accurate and systematic examination of all that came in his way. From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other. So all life is a great chain, the nature of which is known whenever we are shown a single link of it.
4. Always approach a case with an absolutely blank mind, which is always an advantage. Form no theories, just simply observe and draw inferences from your observations.
5. It is a capital mistake to theorize before you have all the evidence. Insensibly, one begins to trust facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts. It biases the judgement. 
6. The temptation to form premature theories upon insufficient data is the bane of this profession.
7. They say that genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains. It's a very bad definition, but it does apply to detective work.
8. The height of a man, in nine cases out of ten, can be told from the length of his stride.
9. When a man writes on a wall, his instinct leads him to write above the levels of his own eyes. 
10. To a great mind, nothing is little.

That is all for now. I'll try to add more tomorrow.
   

Venkman was right.

Shatner shorten your stream.

...I don't want my face burned off!